The other day I was talking with my mom about how my Ex-husband is still so confused about his sexuality. and she mentioned that I need to write down the reasons for the divorce beyond his sexuality.
Today at church was an especially hard day because there was a couple speaking about how God had saved their marriage from their mistakes with drugs, alcohol, and affairs. I found myself wondering, why their marriage and not mine? Why were their shared dreams of children and grandchildren and growing old together fulfilled, and ours were not? I am having a very hard time with the idea that God is a God of miracles and that he can heal anything because he did not choose to do so in my marriage. I don't doubt him or his existence, but I am getting tired of people telling me that God can heal anything. I know he can, but I don't believe that it is in his plan for us. That hurts.
So I am going to make my list of reasons for the divorce. I need something to remind me of the things that caused all the hurt when we were married now that I am missing the comfortable things so much.
He has not, nor will he be able to meet my physical needs.
I lost the things that I enjoyed about me when I was with him.
He was not ever open with me.
His lack of trust and inability to meet my needs caused me to become depressed.
He wants more space than I can give to a husband. The space that I gave him was already detrimental to me and was not enough for him.
His desire is for someone else.
I think the last one is enough, but should that ever change, may I not forget the rest of the list and what it has meant for my emotions over the past four years.
