Happy New Year!

It is very late, so this will be a very short post, but I just had this realization/thought that I wanted to put somewhere. And yes, its another of my lovely upbeat thoughts (sarcasm)

I hear people talking about their hopes for the new year saying how this year is going to be so much better than last year and I find myself thinking "Didn't we all say that last year?" Please don't think that I am taking things or people for granted. I do have some amazing people in my life who have been so very supportive and I don't know what I would do without them. Some of them I only met this year. However, this has been a very tough year for me.

I have lost that hope and optimism looking into the new year. Will this year be so much better? I have some pretty exciting plans and goals for this new year, but I find myself terrified to be excited about them. What if those things don't happen?

I guess I will just have to continue taking things one step at a time watching each step carefully until I can look up again and picture the things I hope for in the future.

Ho Ho hum....

So, I realize that I am breaking my "nothing good happens after 2AM" rule, but tonight just feels like a writing kind of night. I don't know what has been causing my most recent mood, but it has been about a week or so that I have been feeling unlike myself. I haven't been sleeping at night again, for no apparent reason, and maybe the sleeplessness has caused the rest of my mood, but who knows. I don't understand myself, how can I expect anyone else to understand? But they should understand. I need them to understand that my irritability doesn't have anything to do with them because I have been very irritable for me. I have decided not to go on the family trip because I desperately need some space. I haven't had any space all to myself in several months. I really wish I had someone to talk to tonight. I want to cuddle right up next to someone and just talk. But, my boyfriend went to sleep a couple hours ago saying that I may hear from him tomorrow evening and the internet is dead tonight. The rest of the world is sleeping hard tonight after the day's festivities, everyone exhausted by gift exchanging and cooking and eating, all the family traditions. But I am still awake at 3AM for the sixth night in a row, almost crying of exhaustion, but sleep will not come for me. I even got a prescription for something to help me sleep, but the insurance company wants medical proof that I need it. So, now I have to wait for everyone else to get back from their holidays and discuss my need to sleep.

Did you know that sleep deprivation causes depression? I believe it....

I hope my ramblings are not too confusing for anyone who may read them.