I probably shouldn't be writing anything this late at night, but since the cut off is 2AM, I still have seven minutes...I learned this rule from a TV sitcom I have recently fallen in love with....apparently nothing good happens after 2AM. I'm not so sure about that, but there may be a small amount of truth to that. I know that late at night is when I tend to get the most depressed, so why do I stay up so late and then make long mopey postings on facebook or here? I dunno....
I have been on the job hunt for the past couple months. I thought it was a sure thing when I began this process, but now, well into the second week of school, I am beginning to doubt the likelihood that I am going to have a job teaching this school year. It is killing me. I worked so hard to get through that degree. At times I felt like I was fighting the world to keep going. When I was spending weekends in the ER with the in-laws, doing everything I could to keep both of us standing upright, and then trying to do homework, going to classes, the one thing that got me through it was the thought that someday I was going to have that job helping kids in need. I was going to be able to help my husband pay the bills, and he was going to be able to finish his degree too. I thought we would be able to go on those trips that we planned. We would be able to provide for our kids....blah blah blah. The grand American dream....what a load of bullshit....
Even a couple months ago, I was graduating, but that was overshadowed by the revelation that the husband who was so intertwined with those dreams that kept me going through school when I was so discouraged, is gay. I thought my world was falling apart. I thought I was losing all of those dreams. But then, wait! I still have that one part of the dream, that wonderful job. It is almost mine! If I can just hold out a couple more months, I will have that long awaited job. I will be able to pay my own bills and have a place of my own. I can still see all those places I have always wanted to see. In fact, I will start next summer with a trip to Germany, and from there traveling all over Europe on the trains. I will spend the entire summer in Europe! I have things to look forward to! I will have that dream job....yeah, heh, my dream job is one considered to be a public service job.
Now, I am living with a roommate. Not my own place. Her house. The guest room in her house, not even paying rent. I am borrowing money from my parents to put gas in my car and make my car payment. Where am I going from here? I don't understand. I thought I had something special to offer just because I really do want to teach ESE. I know that it is really hard work, and I want to do it. Where is that wonderful job that has kept me going for seven years of dual enrolling, college, and just hell in general? I feel like I am losing my optimism. Something that really makes me, who I am. I am the person who always finds the silver lining, the one possible positive outcome. But I am having a hard time finding it now. I really need to lay myself down and go to sleep with the thought that maybe things will look better in the daylight, but things haven't looked better in the daylight for a couple weeks now. I do have my weekends with my special someone, but I keep fearing that I am going to lose those too if my financial situation persists.
I have never done well without a job. At this point, I don't care what kind of job it is. I just need a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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