Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Gone with the Wind

I watched Gone With the Wind for the first time today. Kind of funny that it took so long for someone who loves old movies to finally see it. I was really struck by the ending in relation to my own life though.
As Scarlet pleads with Rhett to stay and finally tells him that she loves him, he leaves her.
He has already given up.
He's had enough.
He has given her everything and done everything he could to earn her love for years, now her proclamations of love are too little too late.

His response to her question of what she will do without him?

A very famous line.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

The past several days has been very confusing for me. My husband tells me how he has been doing a lot of thinking and finally understands what he needs.
What he wants sexually.
What he needs in his daily life.
I have been asking him for these things since we got married.
I was willing to do anything he wanted from me to make him happy.
But his response was always that he didn't have any fantasies, or that he was happy, or that he just didn't know what he wanted.

His confessions are like Scarlet's pleading to my heart.
 I keep thinking that maybe I could continue to sacrifice, maybe I could give him the space he seems to need so desperately. He says I am more attractive to him again now that he has space. I want to give in to him and continue to do without the love and attention I need.

But I refuse.

He says that he doesn't want to lose me.

But I gave up almost two months ago when I knew we were headed for divorce. I am relieved to think that maybe there is someone out there who can give me what I need in a relationship.

All his pleadings leave me empty inside.

My response.
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

Monday, May 23, 2011

Redesigning me

So, my whole life I have been this quiet, reserved person. I have always hated that about myself, I am not that way on the inside, but I have never had the guts to fight that and really be me. Now that I am starting over again, I have this need to redesign myself. I don't want to be shy anymore. I don't want to hold myself back. I used to let myself use him as the excuse that held me back, but not anymore.

Part of my new redesign is the need to feel sexy. I have this friend who is a photographer and he has asked me several times to take pictures of me. So I am finally going to let him do it. This Friday we are going out to do a  photo shoot. We have been discussing the types of photos and what I should wear and it is waaay out there for me. I am so excited about it. I'm not sure who I will share the pictures with, but they are more for me than for anyone to see. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Dark days


My favorite TV show is Gilmore Girls. In one episode, Luke, has his "dark day." No one knows why he has this dark day, or where he goes, or what he does, but he just disappears and gets grouchy....although the grouchy is not so uncommon for him... His girlfriend hears about this dark day from a neighbor and is left wondering what is going on.

I am feeling like I am building a list of dark days. April 1st, the bomb dropped. May 19, we filed for divorce. June 8th, the divorce will be final. Not to mention the previously happy days that will become dark days in light of the current situation. June 17th, our first date. June 23rd, our anniversary. October 17, the day he proposed. I feel like I have created a landmine for future significant others.

Right now though, June 8th is the date looming in my head. It seems to be quickly approaching. How have three of my 20 days already passed so quickly? Is this what I really want to do? I know it is on some days, but others, it just feels like that day will be a dark day.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

It is official

So, we went and filed the paperwork today. It was emotionally exhausting. He had plans to go out with his new boyfriend tonight and he kept saying how he wanted to cancel, but I told him he better not. I now have the house all to myself. I went and laid out in the backyard, came in and did my wii fit, and now I am going to cook myself the huge country dinner I am craving. Well, that is after I have a discussion with my dad. He is very upset about us filing for divorce. We haven't had much of a chance to talk about all this so he is convinced that the two of us are just giving up cause the relationship is tough. He just doesn't get it. I am hoping I can help him understand, but we'll see how it goes. I am going to drive to Biloxi  and stay with my aunt for the weekend probably tonight...it will be so good to get out of the house.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The days march on...

So, its been almost six weeks since that day he turned my world upside down. Tomorrow we are going to file for divorce. There's that crazy word again. The one I thought I'd never see in relation to my life, I'm going to embrace it tomorrow. I remember that just a couple weeks ago, when I knew that it was to only option, thinking that it would be such a long time before we could go and do it. Now it seems so fast. I thought it was going to be months until we could save up to pay for it, turns out we are poor enough that we don't have to pay for it.

I am feeling sick. He just called and told me how my family is going to hate him. I don't really care what they think about either of us. He's also worrying about having to take a pay cut. He just found out that thanks to our wonderful governor he gets a 3% pay cut in the next couple weeks. I just don't know how to handle all this. I can't be responsible for his life, but at the same time, I can't help but feel a little responsible. He has supported me through school, shouldn't I be there for him now?

There is just so much to unravel. Our lives are so intertwined, how do you divide the two again when the two became one? Gradually, or all at once? There are so many steps, it is all so overwhelming. It is all so hard, do you skip the things that can be skipped, or do you muddle through all of it to protect yourself? Is there anything to protect myself from? I can't imagine needing to protect myself from him.

Today I go to my last counseling session. I was getting them for free through the university, but now that I have graduated I can't see her anymore. I guess I'm on my own now...

Monday, May 16, 2011

Music that speaks...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0En7JZ0KQc
This song came on earlier and it really spoke to me. So beautiful....

Here I am....

So, I am starting this as way to journal what I am going through at this phase of my life. I'm not sure if I will share this link with anyone I know...probably not. I just need somewhere safe to pour out everything within me. Yeah, the internet. safe..lol... maybe someone will read what I am saying, maybe they won't... I just want to get it out without wondering what someone will think.

My life has been turned upside down in the past six weeks. My husband came out to me. Well, guess I won't be sharing this. He came out on April 1st. Some April fools joke huh? It wasn't a joke though. It is very real. I have told some of my family and very close friends, but most of the people who know us don't even know we are having problems. It was such a shock to those I told, but the funny thing is that while it was like a splash of ice cold water...it wasn't much of a surprise. It only took me about a day to know that I wanted, no needed, to get a divorce.

How did I wind up here? The homeschooled, Christian, girl who doesn't believe in divorce, or being gay, now is getting a divorce because her husband is gay. I had to do a lot of research to decide how I wanted to handle it. What do I believe? That is a hard question when you are faced with the gray areas you always avoided. I believe that God is loving. I believe that he has a plan for my life. I believe that I have a hope and a future. I believe that I will have all the things that I always dreamed of because God placed those dreams in my heart. I believe that God loves my husband. I believe that he is scared and hurting too. Maybe more than me. I believe that our strength comes from Jesus. Especially mine. People keep telling me how strong I am, but I'm not really. Most of the time I just want to curl up and forget the world. But then I realize that I would be missing out on a lot. So, I pick myself up and keep going.

I am trying to lose weight. I am trying to find a job. I am trying to get through this divorce and this summer until I can find a job teaching and get my own place. I am going to need a lot of strength to get through all this...