Here I am....

So, I am starting this as way to journal what I am going through at this phase of my life. I'm not sure if I will share this link with anyone I know...probably not. I just need somewhere safe to pour out everything within me. Yeah, the internet. safe..lol... maybe someone will read what I am saying, maybe they won't... I just want to get it out without wondering what someone will think.

My life has been turned upside down in the past six weeks. My husband came out to me. Well, guess I won't be sharing this. He came out on April 1st. Some April fools joke huh? It wasn't a joke though. It is very real. I have told some of my family and very close friends, but most of the people who know us don't even know we are having problems. It was such a shock to those I told, but the funny thing is that while it was like a splash of ice cold water...it wasn't much of a surprise. It only took me about a day to know that I wanted, no needed, to get a divorce.

How did I wind up here? The homeschooled, Christian, girl who doesn't believe in divorce, or being gay, now is getting a divorce because her husband is gay. I had to do a lot of research to decide how I wanted to handle it. What do I believe? That is a hard question when you are faced with the gray areas you always avoided. I believe that God is loving. I believe that he has a plan for my life. I believe that I have a hope and a future. I believe that I will have all the things that I always dreamed of because God placed those dreams in my heart. I believe that God loves my husband. I believe that he is scared and hurting too. Maybe more than me. I believe that our strength comes from Jesus. Especially mine. People keep telling me how strong I am, but I'm not really. Most of the time I just want to curl up and forget the world. But then I realize that I would be missing out on a lot. So, I pick myself up and keep going.

I am trying to lose weight. I am trying to find a job. I am trying to get through this divorce and this summer until I can find a job teaching and get my own place. I am going to need a lot of strength to get through all this...