Zippity Do Da

Today I had a feeling I haven't been feeling much lately, but it reminded me of when I was very little and I would skip through the parking lot with my grandmother singing happy little songs that she might have made up or songs like "Zippity Do Da" She would sing "Its a happy day. Its a happy day. The sun is shining so we can play!" or "Lou, Lou, skip to my Lou." All these sweet, happy songs that we would sing together on sunny days while skipping through the parking lot of the grocery store out running her errands. Pure happiness.

That is how I have felt all weekend.

I started dating this guy recently. I'm always afraid to talk about it with any of my friends out of the fear that they will think that I am moving on too quickly, or, for those who don't know the reason for the divorce, that I was cheating on my husband before we were divorced or something. But, here my bloggy friends, I can share my happiness with no fear of judgement because, like I have said before, everything goes here.

The story goes like this. One night, pre-divorce, the ex and I were sitting in the living room talking and I started crying and told him how scared I was of being alone and how I would meet someone. I only have school and church. I'm certainly not planning on dating the parents of my students, most of the men who are teachers that I know are already married or much older than me, and there have always been the same guys at my church who I was only slightly interested in during high school and not at all anymore. So he suggested that I get on one of those online dating sites.

I started with plenty of fish. A couple ok dates, but they turned out to be kind of creepy.

Then I moved on to ok cupid after hearing some friends from an online support group talk about how they liked that one best. And not long after joining that site a guy messaged me.

I told him about my situation and that I wasn't sure what I was looking for. He asked if I was interested in a guy to do fun things with, dinner and movies and such. That was exactly what I had in mind.

He took me out to a classy restaurant for dinner, but that wasn't enough time together so we walked down to this great arcade/bar around the corner, which still wasn't enough time, so we drove out to the beach until we decided to end our date at almost 1am. I did have to get up for church the next morning after all.

He lives about an hour away, so we have spent every weekend since taking turns driving to one another's city where we spend the weekend going out to eat, shopping for used books and records, going out to the movies, or just sitting inside sharing our favorites movies and tv shows with each other.

This past weekend was the best so far. We spent a great night cuddling and talking. Laughing together. It was bliss. He makes me so happy. Everyone keeps commenting on how happy I look. That's because I am. I am happy with him.

Nothing good happens after 2AM

I probably shouldn't be writing anything this late at night, but since the cut off is 2AM, I still have seven minutes...I learned this rule from a TV sitcom I have recently fallen in love with....apparently nothing good happens after 2AM. I'm not so sure about that, but there may be a small amount of truth to that. I know that late at night is when I tend to get the most depressed, so why do I stay up so late and then make long mopey postings on facebook or here? I dunno....

I have been on the job hunt for the past couple months. I thought it was a sure thing when I began this process, but now, well into the second week of school, I am beginning to doubt the likelihood that I am going to have a job teaching this school year. It is killing me. I worked so hard to get through that degree. At times I felt like I was fighting the world to keep going. When I was spending weekends in the ER with the in-laws, doing everything I could to keep both of us standing upright, and then trying to do homework, going to classes, the one thing that got me through it was the thought that someday I was going to have that job helping kids in need. I was going to be able to help my husband pay the bills, and he was going to be able to finish his degree too. I thought we would be able to go on those trips that we planned. We would be able to provide for our kids....blah blah blah. The grand American dream....what a load of bullshit....

Even a couple months ago, I was graduating, but that was overshadowed by the revelation that the husband who was so intertwined with those dreams that kept me going through school when I was so discouraged, is gay. I thought my world was falling apart. I thought I was losing all of those dreams. But then, wait! I still have that one part of the dream, that wonderful job. It is almost mine! If I can just hold out a couple more months, I will have that long awaited job. I will be able to pay my own bills and have a place of my own. I can still see all those places I have always wanted to see. In fact, I will start next summer with a trip to Germany, and from there traveling all over Europe on the trains. I will spend the entire summer in Europe! I have things to look forward to! I will have that dream job....yeah, heh, my dream job is one considered to be a public service job.

Now, I am living with a roommate. Not my own place. Her house. The guest room in her house, not even paying rent. I am borrowing money from my parents to put gas in my car and make my car payment. Where am I going from here? I don't understand. I thought I had something special to offer just because I really do want to teach ESE. I know that it is really hard work, and I want to do it. Where is that wonderful job that has kept me going for seven years of dual enrolling, college, and just hell in general? I feel like I am losing my optimism. Something that really makes me, who I am. I am the person who always finds the silver lining, the one possible positive outcome. But I am having a hard time finding it now. I really need to lay myself down and go to sleep with the thought that maybe things will look better in the daylight, but things haven't looked better in the daylight for a couple weeks now. I do have my weekends with my special someone, but I keep fearing that I am going to lose those too if my financial situation persists.

I have never done well without a job. At this point, I don't care what kind of job it is. I just need a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Ch ch ch changes....

My whole life is changing. The funny thing, is that it has started going back to that picture that I used to imagine. I graduate college, get a job teaching, meet someone, maybe after dating a couple years get married, and a couple years after that come the kids.
 However, I had thrown that picture out the window when I met J and changed it all. I thought, "I don't have to be so practical anymore, all my dreams are coming true much sooner than I imagined!" I graduated H.S., got a part time job, started college, got married. I thought the next step was kids. My wedding was beautiful. My ring was one that I could never have liked more if I had designed it myself. Our sweet little house was perfect. It was like a fairy tale.
Now I am starting over again. I have moved in with a roommate. I am applying for that teaching job and getting interviews. I am dating a sweet guy that I am just having fun with. The funny thing, is that while it is what I always pictured, I am missing that broken fairy tale.
My friends are getting engaged and having babies. I am crying jealous tears. I am tired of crying jealous tears. I have cried them long enough. I cried jealous tears for two years while I was married until I learned to be satisfied with the direction my life was going. I thought I had learned that lesson well enough. But here I am again. Learning it all over again.
Maybe I will learn it for real this time....

Why?

The other day I was talking with my mom about how my Ex-husband is still so confused about his sexuality. and she mentioned that I need to write down the reasons for the divorce beyond his sexuality.
Today at church was an especially hard day because there was a couple speaking about how God had saved their marriage from their mistakes with drugs, alcohol, and affairs. I found myself wondering, why their marriage and not mine? Why were their shared dreams of children and grandchildren and growing old together fulfilled, and ours were not? I am having a very hard time with the idea that God is a God of miracles and that he can heal anything because he did not choose to do so in my marriage. I don't doubt him or his existence, but I am getting tired of people telling me that God can heal anything. I know he can, but I don't believe that it is in his plan for us. That hurts.

So I am going to make my list of reasons for the divorce. I need something to remind me of the things that caused all the hurt when we were married now that I am missing the comfortable things so much.

He has not, nor will he be able to meet my physical needs.
I lost the things that I enjoyed about me when I was with him.
He was not ever open with me.
His lack of trust and inability to meet my needs caused me to become depressed.
He wants more space than I can give to a husband. The space that I gave him was already detrimental to me and was not enough for him.
His desire is for someone else.

I think the last one is enough, but should that ever change, may I not forget the rest of the list and what it has meant for my emotions over the past four years.

Meltdown...

I am feeling the beginning of nuclear meltdown over here. It started on Friday when I had a panic attack in the craft store. Too much caffeine, dinner together which of course had to include conversation, a friend having a crisis, and constant reminders in the form of happy couples and cute babies, left me struggling to breathe in the middle of the craft store. I finished my shopping and went home. What else could I do?

I managed to make it through the rest of the weekend ok, but last night we had another conversation. He started asking why we were getting divorced. Now, he is trying to convince me that he isn't gay. He is saying that his problems in the bedroom were because I was pressuring him too much. I just can't take it all. But what else can I do? continue to put one foot in front of the other. I can't seem to get up today. Every couple minutes my hands start shaking. I spent an hour in the shower because I just didn't have the strength to stand up. I don't know what the next couple days hold for me....

Gone with the Wind

I watched Gone With the Wind for the first time today. Kind of funny that it took so long for someone who loves old movies to finally see it. I was really struck by the ending in relation to my own life though.
As Scarlet pleads with Rhett to stay and finally tells him that she loves him, he leaves her.
He has already given up.
He's had enough.
He has given her everything and done everything he could to earn her love for years, now her proclamations of love are too little too late.

His response to her question of what she will do without him?

A very famous line.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

The past several days has been very confusing for me. My husband tells me how he has been doing a lot of thinking and finally understands what he needs.
What he wants sexually.
What he needs in his daily life.
I have been asking him for these things since we got married.
I was willing to do anything he wanted from me to make him happy.
But his response was always that he didn't have any fantasies, or that he was happy, or that he just didn't know what he wanted.

His confessions are like Scarlet's pleading to my heart.
 I keep thinking that maybe I could continue to sacrifice, maybe I could give him the space he seems to need so desperately. He says I am more attractive to him again now that he has space. I want to give in to him and continue to do without the love and attention I need.

But I refuse.

He says that he doesn't want to lose me.

But I gave up almost two months ago when I knew we were headed for divorce. I am relieved to think that maybe there is someone out there who can give me what I need in a relationship.

All his pleadings leave me empty inside.

My response.
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

Redesigning me

So, my whole life I have been this quiet, reserved person. I have always hated that about myself, I am not that way on the inside, but I have never had the guts to fight that and really be me. Now that I am starting over again, I have this need to redesign myself. I don't want to be shy anymore. I don't want to hold myself back. I used to let myself use him as the excuse that held me back, but not anymore.

Part of my new redesign is the need to feel sexy. I have this friend who is a photographer and he has asked me several times to take pictures of me. So I am finally going to let him do it. This Friday we are going out to do a  photo shoot. We have been discussing the types of photos and what I should wear and it is waaay out there for me. I am so excited about it. I'm not sure who I will share the pictures with, but they are more for me than for anyone to see.