Happy New Year!

It is very late, so this will be a very short post, but I just had this realization/thought that I wanted to put somewhere. And yes, its another of my lovely upbeat thoughts (sarcasm)

I hear people talking about their hopes for the new year saying how this year is going to be so much better than last year and I find myself thinking "Didn't we all say that last year?" Please don't think that I am taking things or people for granted. I do have some amazing people in my life who have been so very supportive and I don't know what I would do without them. Some of them I only met this year. However, this has been a very tough year for me.

I have lost that hope and optimism looking into the new year. Will this year be so much better? I have some pretty exciting plans and goals for this new year, but I find myself terrified to be excited about them. What if those things don't happen?

I guess I will just have to continue taking things one step at a time watching each step carefully until I can look up again and picture the things I hope for in the future.

Ho Ho hum....

So, I realize that I am breaking my "nothing good happens after 2AM" rule, but tonight just feels like a writing kind of night. I don't know what has been causing my most recent mood, but it has been about a week or so that I have been feeling unlike myself. I haven't been sleeping at night again, for no apparent reason, and maybe the sleeplessness has caused the rest of my mood, but who knows. I don't understand myself, how can I expect anyone else to understand? But they should understand. I need them to understand that my irritability doesn't have anything to do with them because I have been very irritable for me. I have decided not to go on the family trip because I desperately need some space. I haven't had any space all to myself in several months. I really wish I had someone to talk to tonight. I want to cuddle right up next to someone and just talk. But, my boyfriend went to sleep a couple hours ago saying that I may hear from him tomorrow evening and the internet is dead tonight. The rest of the world is sleeping hard tonight after the day's festivities, everyone exhausted by gift exchanging and cooking and eating, all the family traditions. But I am still awake at 3AM for the sixth night in a row, almost crying of exhaustion, but sleep will not come for me. I even got a prescription for something to help me sleep, but the insurance company wants medical proof that I need it. So, now I have to wait for everyone else to get back from their holidays and discuss my need to sleep.

Did you know that sleep deprivation causes depression? I believe it....

I hope my ramblings are not too confusing for anyone who may read them.

Zippity Do Da

Today I had a feeling I haven't been feeling much lately, but it reminded me of when I was very little and I would skip through the parking lot with my grandmother singing happy little songs that she might have made up or songs like "Zippity Do Da" She would sing "Its a happy day. Its a happy day. The sun is shining so we can play!" or "Lou, Lou, skip to my Lou." All these sweet, happy songs that we would sing together on sunny days while skipping through the parking lot of the grocery store out running her errands. Pure happiness.

That is how I have felt all weekend.

I started dating this guy recently. I'm always afraid to talk about it with any of my friends out of the fear that they will think that I am moving on too quickly, or, for those who don't know the reason for the divorce, that I was cheating on my husband before we were divorced or something. But, here my bloggy friends, I can share my happiness with no fear of judgement because, like I have said before, everything goes here.

The story goes like this. One night, pre-divorce, the ex and I were sitting in the living room talking and I started crying and told him how scared I was of being alone and how I would meet someone. I only have school and church. I'm certainly not planning on dating the parents of my students, most of the men who are teachers that I know are already married or much older than me, and there have always been the same guys at my church who I was only slightly interested in during high school and not at all anymore. So he suggested that I get on one of those online dating sites.

I started with plenty of fish. A couple ok dates, but they turned out to be kind of creepy.

Then I moved on to ok cupid after hearing some friends from an online support group talk about how they liked that one best. And not long after joining that site a guy messaged me.

I told him about my situation and that I wasn't sure what I was looking for. He asked if I was interested in a guy to do fun things with, dinner and movies and such. That was exactly what I had in mind.

He took me out to a classy restaurant for dinner, but that wasn't enough time together so we walked down to this great arcade/bar around the corner, which still wasn't enough time, so we drove out to the beach until we decided to end our date at almost 1am. I did have to get up for church the next morning after all.

He lives about an hour away, so we have spent every weekend since taking turns driving to one another's city where we spend the weekend going out to eat, shopping for used books and records, going out to the movies, or just sitting inside sharing our favorites movies and tv shows with each other.

This past weekend was the best so far. We spent a great night cuddling and talking. Laughing together. It was bliss. He makes me so happy. Everyone keeps commenting on how happy I look. That's because I am. I am happy with him.

Nothing good happens after 2AM

I probably shouldn't be writing anything this late at night, but since the cut off is 2AM, I still have seven minutes...I learned this rule from a TV sitcom I have recently fallen in love with....apparently nothing good happens after 2AM. I'm not so sure about that, but there may be a small amount of truth to that. I know that late at night is when I tend to get the most depressed, so why do I stay up so late and then make long mopey postings on facebook or here? I dunno....

I have been on the job hunt for the past couple months. I thought it was a sure thing when I began this process, but now, well into the second week of school, I am beginning to doubt the likelihood that I am going to have a job teaching this school year. It is killing me. I worked so hard to get through that degree. At times I felt like I was fighting the world to keep going. When I was spending weekends in the ER with the in-laws, doing everything I could to keep both of us standing upright, and then trying to do homework, going to classes, the one thing that got me through it was the thought that someday I was going to have that job helping kids in need. I was going to be able to help my husband pay the bills, and he was going to be able to finish his degree too. I thought we would be able to go on those trips that we planned. We would be able to provide for our kids....blah blah blah. The grand American dream....what a load of bullshit....

Even a couple months ago, I was graduating, but that was overshadowed by the revelation that the husband who was so intertwined with those dreams that kept me going through school when I was so discouraged, is gay. I thought my world was falling apart. I thought I was losing all of those dreams. But then, wait! I still have that one part of the dream, that wonderful job. It is almost mine! If I can just hold out a couple more months, I will have that long awaited job. I will be able to pay my own bills and have a place of my own. I can still see all those places I have always wanted to see. In fact, I will start next summer with a trip to Germany, and from there traveling all over Europe on the trains. I will spend the entire summer in Europe! I have things to look forward to! I will have that dream job....yeah, heh, my dream job is one considered to be a public service job.

Now, I am living with a roommate. Not my own place. Her house. The guest room in her house, not even paying rent. I am borrowing money from my parents to put gas in my car and make my car payment. Where am I going from here? I don't understand. I thought I had something special to offer just because I really do want to teach ESE. I know that it is really hard work, and I want to do it. Where is that wonderful job that has kept me going for seven years of dual enrolling, college, and just hell in general? I feel like I am losing my optimism. Something that really makes me, who I am. I am the person who always finds the silver lining, the one possible positive outcome. But I am having a hard time finding it now. I really need to lay myself down and go to sleep with the thought that maybe things will look better in the daylight, but things haven't looked better in the daylight for a couple weeks now. I do have my weekends with my special someone, but I keep fearing that I am going to lose those too if my financial situation persists.

I have never done well without a job. At this point, I don't care what kind of job it is. I just need a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Ch ch ch changes....

My whole life is changing. The funny thing, is that it has started going back to that picture that I used to imagine. I graduate college, get a job teaching, meet someone, maybe after dating a couple years get married, and a couple years after that come the kids.
 However, I had thrown that picture out the window when I met J and changed it all. I thought, "I don't have to be so practical anymore, all my dreams are coming true much sooner than I imagined!" I graduated H.S., got a part time job, started college, got married. I thought the next step was kids. My wedding was beautiful. My ring was one that I could never have liked more if I had designed it myself. Our sweet little house was perfect. It was like a fairy tale.
Now I am starting over again. I have moved in with a roommate. I am applying for that teaching job and getting interviews. I am dating a sweet guy that I am just having fun with. The funny thing, is that while it is what I always pictured, I am missing that broken fairy tale.
My friends are getting engaged and having babies. I am crying jealous tears. I am tired of crying jealous tears. I have cried them long enough. I cried jealous tears for two years while I was married until I learned to be satisfied with the direction my life was going. I thought I had learned that lesson well enough. But here I am again. Learning it all over again.
Maybe I will learn it for real this time....

Why?

The other day I was talking with my mom about how my Ex-husband is still so confused about his sexuality. and she mentioned that I need to write down the reasons for the divorce beyond his sexuality.
Today at church was an especially hard day because there was a couple speaking about how God had saved their marriage from their mistakes with drugs, alcohol, and affairs. I found myself wondering, why their marriage and not mine? Why were their shared dreams of children and grandchildren and growing old together fulfilled, and ours were not? I am having a very hard time with the idea that God is a God of miracles and that he can heal anything because he did not choose to do so in my marriage. I don't doubt him or his existence, but I am getting tired of people telling me that God can heal anything. I know he can, but I don't believe that it is in his plan for us. That hurts.

So I am going to make my list of reasons for the divorce. I need something to remind me of the things that caused all the hurt when we were married now that I am missing the comfortable things so much.

He has not, nor will he be able to meet my physical needs.
I lost the things that I enjoyed about me when I was with him.
He was not ever open with me.
His lack of trust and inability to meet my needs caused me to become depressed.
He wants more space than I can give to a husband. The space that I gave him was already detrimental to me and was not enough for him.
His desire is for someone else.

I think the last one is enough, but should that ever change, may I not forget the rest of the list and what it has meant for my emotions over the past four years.

Meltdown...

I am feeling the beginning of nuclear meltdown over here. It started on Friday when I had a panic attack in the craft store. Too much caffeine, dinner together which of course had to include conversation, a friend having a crisis, and constant reminders in the form of happy couples and cute babies, left me struggling to breathe in the middle of the craft store. I finished my shopping and went home. What else could I do?

I managed to make it through the rest of the weekend ok, but last night we had another conversation. He started asking why we were getting divorced. Now, he is trying to convince me that he isn't gay. He is saying that his problems in the bedroom were because I was pressuring him too much. I just can't take it all. But what else can I do? continue to put one foot in front of the other. I can't seem to get up today. Every couple minutes my hands start shaking. I spent an hour in the shower because I just didn't have the strength to stand up. I don't know what the next couple days hold for me....

Gone with the Wind

I watched Gone With the Wind for the first time today. Kind of funny that it took so long for someone who loves old movies to finally see it. I was really struck by the ending in relation to my own life though.
As Scarlet pleads with Rhett to stay and finally tells him that she loves him, he leaves her.
He has already given up.
He's had enough.
He has given her everything and done everything he could to earn her love for years, now her proclamations of love are too little too late.

His response to her question of what she will do without him?

A very famous line.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

The past several days has been very confusing for me. My husband tells me how he has been doing a lot of thinking and finally understands what he needs.
What he wants sexually.
What he needs in his daily life.
I have been asking him for these things since we got married.
I was willing to do anything he wanted from me to make him happy.
But his response was always that he didn't have any fantasies, or that he was happy, or that he just didn't know what he wanted.

His confessions are like Scarlet's pleading to my heart.
 I keep thinking that maybe I could continue to sacrifice, maybe I could give him the space he seems to need so desperately. He says I am more attractive to him again now that he has space. I want to give in to him and continue to do without the love and attention I need.

But I refuse.

He says that he doesn't want to lose me.

But I gave up almost two months ago when I knew we were headed for divorce. I am relieved to think that maybe there is someone out there who can give me what I need in a relationship.

All his pleadings leave me empty inside.

My response.
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

Redesigning me

So, my whole life I have been this quiet, reserved person. I have always hated that about myself, I am not that way on the inside, but I have never had the guts to fight that and really be me. Now that I am starting over again, I have this need to redesign myself. I don't want to be shy anymore. I don't want to hold myself back. I used to let myself use him as the excuse that held me back, but not anymore.

Part of my new redesign is the need to feel sexy. I have this friend who is a photographer and he has asked me several times to take pictures of me. So I am finally going to let him do it. This Friday we are going out to do a  photo shoot. We have been discussing the types of photos and what I should wear and it is waaay out there for me. I am so excited about it. I'm not sure who I will share the pictures with, but they are more for me than for anyone to see. 

Dark days

My favorite TV show is Gilmore Girls. In one episode, Luke, has his "dark day." No one knows why he has this dark day, or where he goes, or what he does, but he just disappears and gets grouchy....although the grouchy is not so uncommon for him... His girlfriend hears about this dark day from a neighbor and is left wondering what is going on.

I am feeling like I am building a list of dark days. April 1st, the bomb dropped. May 19, we filed for divorce. June 8th, the divorce will be final. Not to mention the previously happy days that will become dark days in light of the current situation. June 17th, our first date. June 23rd, our anniversary. October 17, the day he proposed. I feel like I have created a landmine for future significant others.

Right now though, June 8th is the date looming in my head. It seems to be quickly approaching. How have three of my 20 days already passed so quickly? Is this what I really want to do? I know it is on some days, but others, it just feels like that day will be a dark day.

It is official

So, we went and filed the paperwork today. It was emotionally exhausting. He had plans to go out with his new boyfriend tonight and he kept saying how he wanted to cancel, but I told him he better not. I now have the house all to myself. I went and laid out in the backyard, came in and did my wii fit, and now I am going to cook myself the huge country dinner I am craving. Well, that is after I have a discussion with my dad. He is very upset about us filing for divorce. We haven't had much of a chance to talk about all this so he is convinced that the two of us are just giving up cause the relationship is tough. He just doesn't get it. I am hoping I can help him understand, but we'll see how it goes. I am going to drive to Biloxi  and stay with my aunt for the weekend probably tonight...it will be so good to get out of the house.

The days march on...

So, its been almost six weeks since that day he turned my world upside down. Tomorrow we are going to file for divorce. There's that crazy word again. The one I thought I'd never see in relation to my life, I'm going to embrace it tomorrow. I remember that just a couple weeks ago, when I knew that it was to only option, thinking that it would be such a long time before we could go and do it. Now it seems so fast. I thought it was going to be months until we could save up to pay for it, turns out we are poor enough that we don't have to pay for it.

I am feeling sick. He just called and told me how my family is going to hate him. I don't really care what they think about either of us. He's also worrying about having to take a pay cut. He just found out that thanks to our wonderful governor he gets a 3% pay cut in the next couple weeks. I just don't know how to handle all this. I can't be responsible for his life, but at the same time, I can't help but feel a little responsible. He has supported me through school, shouldn't I be there for him now?

There is just so much to unravel. Our lives are so intertwined, how do you divide the two again when the two became one? Gradually, or all at once? There are so many steps, it is all so overwhelming. It is all so hard, do you skip the things that can be skipped, or do you muddle through all of it to protect yourself? Is there anything to protect myself from? I can't imagine needing to protect myself from him.

Today I go to my last counseling session. I was getting them for free through the university, but now that I have graduated I can't see her anymore. I guess I'm on my own now...

Music that speaks...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0En7JZ0KQc
This song came on earlier and it really spoke to me. So beautiful....

Here I am....

So, I am starting this as way to journal what I am going through at this phase of my life. I'm not sure if I will share this link with anyone I know...probably not. I just need somewhere safe to pour out everything within me. Yeah, the internet. safe..lol... maybe someone will read what I am saying, maybe they won't... I just want to get it out without wondering what someone will think.

My life has been turned upside down in the past six weeks. My husband came out to me. Well, guess I won't be sharing this. He came out on April 1st. Some April fools joke huh? It wasn't a joke though. It is very real. I have told some of my family and very close friends, but most of the people who know us don't even know we are having problems. It was such a shock to those I told, but the funny thing is that while it was like a splash of ice cold water...it wasn't much of a surprise. It only took me about a day to know that I wanted, no needed, to get a divorce.

How did I wind up here? The homeschooled, Christian, girl who doesn't believe in divorce, or being gay, now is getting a divorce because her husband is gay. I had to do a lot of research to decide how I wanted to handle it. What do I believe? That is a hard question when you are faced with the gray areas you always avoided. I believe that God is loving. I believe that he has a plan for my life. I believe that I have a hope and a future. I believe that I will have all the things that I always dreamed of because God placed those dreams in my heart. I believe that God loves my husband. I believe that he is scared and hurting too. Maybe more than me. I believe that our strength comes from Jesus. Especially mine. People keep telling me how strong I am, but I'm not really. Most of the time I just want to curl up and forget the world. But then I realize that I would be missing out on a lot. So, I pick myself up and keep going.

I am trying to lose weight. I am trying to find a job. I am trying to get through this divorce and this summer until I can find a job teaching and get my own place. I am going to need a lot of strength to get through all this...